Found on r/boomershumor
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.