Found on r/clevercomebacks
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea