found on r/dankmemes
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Whats the best pickup line?
A fishing pole
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”