found on r/dankmemes
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Iโve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake ๐ฐ!!! ๐
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
Itโs a five minute walk from my house to the pub. Itโs a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.
I think it's just a stage he's going through.
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
I donโt often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
โThat desk is going for ยฃ2000,โ says the shopkeeper. โ$2000 for an old desk? Thatโs outrageous!โ exclaims Eric. โAh,โ says the shopkeeper, โbut this is a magic desk.โ He turns to the desk and asks, โDesk, how much money do I have in my pocket?โ The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. โWow, thatโs pretty cool,โ says Eric. โAlright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?โ At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. โDamn, where did she get all that from?โ asks Eric. The deskโs legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?โ The guy replies, "Well that was my wifeโs seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.โ The man says back, "Thatโs terrible, but couldnโt you get another close family member to come with you?โ The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Those fuckers jam out.
Those fuckers jam out.
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.