Found on r/funny. Truly great stuff…
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
Thermoelectric generator
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
Why won’t the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
Weβll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Security professionals advise to never use βbeef stewβ as a password
It isnβt stroganoff
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Itβs not hard
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." βIt hasn't affected my brothers though."
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
βSon, I bet you canβt wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!β The private emphatically replies, βNo sir! Once I get out of the army Iβm never gonna stand in line again. β
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. βItβs fixed,β he says and hand the doctor an invoice. β$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes β thatβs $900 an hour. Iβm a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.β The plumber said,β Yeah, when I was a doctor, thatβs all I made too.β
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
If I had a nickel for every time I didnβt know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, βBy mistake?β
I shouted, βOh come on! Not you too!β