Found on r/memes…
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college…
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise. A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about. “Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied. The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked. The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
