Found on r/memes
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
It’s called a stain because it’s stay’n.
No text found
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”