Found on r/pcmasterace
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant…
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen." The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing it to the man. The man smells the fork and says: "WOW, you have prepared a nice Crispy Panko Shrimp Salad with Walnuts tonight! I'll take that". After eating the salad the waiter approaches him again, asking what he would like for his main dish. The man arrogantly responds: "Just bring me a knife from the kitchen". The waiter goes in and fetches a knife, hands it to the man who smells it and says: "Wow, I can smell you have prepared a nice Skillet Chicken Bulgogi with Mushrooms, bring that to me". The waiter's patience is wearing thin, but without complaints he brings the man his food. Finally, for desert, the same thing happens again and the arrogant man tells the waiter to go fetch him a spoon from the kitchen. The waiter has really had it by now, and he really can't stand the man's arrogance anymore, so he goes inside the kitchen, grabs a spoon and tells one of the waitresses to rub her crotch with it. The waiter goes out the kitchen and walks up to the man's table, handing him the spoon. The man smells it, waits a second, smells it again and finally exclaims: "Hey! I had no idea Susan worked here!"
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
Football
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, “What the f… are you doing?” The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
