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I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.