Found on r/prequelmemes
Turtles are slow
It’s a sight to behold
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Wanna get away?
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
Big brain time
It is in fact the reason
thicc eqal sign
I prefer classic
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.
Phone Bad Book Good
Solar energy? No, burning biomass.
MonkeyUser – AI Training Datasets
Now we have something in common
Guns are their safe space.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Asian girls don’t poop…
…they take dumplings.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
It really does, unfortunately.
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
TFW you lose at your own game
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
The simple joys are what get me through the day
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
Google search auto complete
WOW this is sad 😂😂
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
Not a sign
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
STOP the bullying
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
I’m willing to pitch in $500 to get us started
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
MATLAB: fake it until you make it
Found this around, still not sure what they really meant
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
The market will solve it
oh!! the nepotism all over the place🤔😅
The scariest costume . . .
Video games bad. Kids lazy.
It says “Vegan Easter”…
Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed?
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
You can’t forget what you never learned
Am I supposed to feel guilty for being born in the 90s?
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Frighteningly spot on
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
How could she!
Made by Twitter
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
Gotta keep yourself busy
Who watches the watchers?
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
Half credit to u/Nexuist for the find
« I’ll only take the bottom, the top is useless »
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"