Found on r/prequelmemes
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
“How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma”
Oh shit this isnt google
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are out of touch
Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are out of touch
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.