Found on r/PrequelMemes
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution
Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?
In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day. The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?" The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!" The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! " The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
I asked the clerk where the Terminator action figures were
She said "Aisle B, back".
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks…
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.