Found on Twitter
It got stuck in a crack
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
He's only got little legs
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
For spilling the beans.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
I just think he's mean
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
The pupils, they dilate
Allow me to demenstruate.
…he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves. He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!…let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all" Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ….8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".
So they could see the battlefield
It's down to its last quarter.
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.