Found on, you guessed it, r/memes
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal — if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol… ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.