Found this at a relatives house.
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
Quack cocain
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital 1 week later Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital? Student: Yes, he is a doctor
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.