Found this cartoon in my newspaper
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
When a nominee has to save the lives of their opponent’s supporters
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
That was my reaction inside my head yesterday.
The Best Code!!
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
They love this kind of comic
Jon Stewart in 2015 on Bernie Sanders being called unusual
This should be illegal
I spent $2,000 on this class
Poor little guy
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
“How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma”
Oh shit this isnt google
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
What did helium say to the balloon?
I’m so proud of him(for real)
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
this is too f***** up
How do I compile a php file?
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
The love of my life was right in front of me the entire time
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Elect a clown, expect a circus
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
Search it up.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
hacker 4 lyfe
My Dad sent this to me
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
Found on Instagram
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
These captchas are getting out of hand
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
why do we have people out there who actually think like this?
Marketing department of Sun
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
Worst game of tic tac toe ever?
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
Isn’t that communisme ?
Phone bad, attention span nonexistent
When your code is broken but still manages to get shit done
So this happened today at Game 5 of the World Series that Trump is attending tonight…
But what about our witnesses?
I love Calvin and Hobbes but kinda boomer.