Found this in my History Book
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.