Found this in my instagram feed.. it’s very boomer
He’s a good buoy
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
I’ll see you next month
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
I can never get a straight answer
They must have been itentacle twins.
He slept all through math.
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
He was disqualified.
Ernie: Sure Bert!
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
I can also tell when they're standing.
It’s parents were in a jam.
But her aim is getting better
It's a cover version.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
Because they have their own scales.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”