Found this in the wild
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin