found this on insta
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."