Found this on Instagram, it has nearly a thousand likes. How? I have no idea
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?” Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.” ”What?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?” Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y'know, one would've been enough.
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.