Found this on r/aww today
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside. The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy. The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees. The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot… don't you have something to share about your son?" The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort…" They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.
No text found
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
Wife: Honey, do you ever pee in the shower?
Husband: Sometimes, but only by accident. Wife: What? How does it happen by accident? Husband: Well, sometimes when I'm pooping, I can't help it.
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.