Found this on r/aww today
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
I found the Boomer Grail while cleaning out the office of a retired colleague.
https://ift.tt/30wjdye
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He’s put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.
The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon. "That sure is a nice fire truck you got there." "Thanks," the boy says. The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes, The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder." The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The average person is really mean
No text found
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.