Found this on r/cursed_comments
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
The rotation of the earth makes my day
No text found
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
