Found this on r/memes, fairly disappointed
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
They also do take away.
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
They only added the F after he died
Land in it when they're not looking
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
It'll always be stationery.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I just didn't want toupee for it
So Dad, if you are up there…
An udder disaster
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
…you can run but you can't hide!
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
An algebraille equation.