Found this one at my local bar.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo…
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Inside of brain a HR: You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked one company for 8 years why you leave? (He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside of brain a HR:
You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked one company for 8 years why you leave?
(He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
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