Found this one in its natural habitat.

Because Ken came in a different box

Lemonaid

Dad: W

It's much harder to deter gents.

So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…

Never get over it.

He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. ​ Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

they were cooked in grease

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"

Because it is made of hide.

that you misread the first line of this joke

that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice

Excellent.

Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄

They checked our reviews. One star.

But you probably Reddit

Because they are hill areas!

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Put it on my bill!!

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

There were too many missed stakes

The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."

A pigment of your imagination