Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?
Santa because the first two don't exist.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex
One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!" Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS ANGELA?" Matt, realizing that he just said another girls name during sex, tries to cover it up with an excuse, and replies "Oh? You don't know what "Angela" means? Haha its a newer slang term, which means 'here I come, take my load!'" Sarah gives a puzzled look, and forgets about it in the moment as they continue to cuddle in bed. The next day, Sarah meets up for the first time with a group of girls at her dorm, and meets Rose, and they have a good time and slowly become friends. After hesitating for a while, Sarah casually asks, "Hey, do you know what Angela means? Something boys are starting to say more often?" to which Rose replies, "no, not really." Sarah continues to say that it means "here I come, take my load!" Rose, confused, looks back at her and says: "I heard that's what "Sarah" means?"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
The French fencer
There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match. One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point. The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over. He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game? The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
