Found this one next to a church, does it count??
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.
After the owner teached him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand. 'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks. 'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.' So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store. Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits. Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with there purchase. Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store. Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been. Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I made quite the sells!' 'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?' 'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.