Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K