You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
No text found
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.