found while palying a shitty doom port on the ms store
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
No text found
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
A pack of feral hogs
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
He charged one and let the other one off.
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
…the guy knew how to make a point.
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
It's not hard
I don't listen and something else…
The answer was no.
Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible. “What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?” Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion… “0 K Boomer”
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
with a sea-saw
A layer lair.
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
It was the pot calling the cattle back.