Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale, "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to… "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long. With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldnât see that well
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why Americans donât use metric?
Foot fetish
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Donât look while Iâm changing!
My daughter pointed at a spear and said âdaddy look itâs sharpâ
I replied with âthatâs the pointâ
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they donât exist until they want something.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youâre supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,âŚâŚâŚ. Maâam, Iâm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? Iâm awfully cold.â âI have a better idea,â she replied âJust for tonight,âŚâŚ letâs pretend that weâre married.â âWow!âŚâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ. Thatâs a great idea!â, he exclaimed. â Goodâ, she replied. âŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ âGet your own f***ing blanket.â After a moment of silence, âŚâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ he farted.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you canât run.
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesnât approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. âJohnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? âWhat, are you lying?â âNope, you need to keep clear of that business sonâ Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasnât tried to take things to the next level. âJohnny, are you attracted to me? Weâve been together for months and you havenât tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?â Johnny replies, âWhen I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. âThatâs sillyâ, she says, âlet me show youâ. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. âSee! No teeth!â Johnny looking horrified says â Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!â
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didnât show.
I hope she gets the message that weâre not working out.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldnât open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
The computer is connected to watt?
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said âno signalâ and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesnât. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, itâs still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. Theyâre good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the âspace heaterâ back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. âWill I die?â she asks.
God says, âNo. You have 30 more years to live.â With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since sheâs in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day sheâs discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. âYou said I had 30 more years to live,â she complains. âThatâs true,â says God. âSo what happened?â she asks. God shrugs. âI didnât recognize you.â
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
Why is womenâs soccer so rare?
Itâs hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldnât help but think to myself…
âHeâs giving me a good run for my money.â
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding. Lawyer: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see ur license please? Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers then. Lawyer: I can't do that either. Officer: Why not? Lawyer: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: WHAT? Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail. The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle. Lawyer: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner. Lawyer: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir? Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license. The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner. Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.