Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."?
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36
When she walks into a room people say,
"Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
When is a hen just following the letter W
No text found
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
Proud dad moment
My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning. My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up. "Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!". So proud…
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂