Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says :
"its a broken starter"
The electrical engineer :
"dead battery"
The chemical engineer:
"impurities in the gasoline"
The IT engineer:
"Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.