Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says :
"its a broken starter"
The electrical engineer :
"dead battery"
The chemical engineer:
"impurities in the gasoline"
The IT engineer:
"Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
The average person is really mean
No text found
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?"
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry…. we can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?