Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet.
Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys.
Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about?
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are.
Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper.
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life.
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
What does a house wear?
Address
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
I just bought a dry-erase board
It’s remarkable!
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day…
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.