Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
I can cut wood by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
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My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”