Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw