Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the ark hives
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
