Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
In the ark hives
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Just add a G and it’s gone
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
Pun in, ten dead.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
Would it then be called an Edison?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Water, to cool him down.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
Those were the Good Years.
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
I was delighted.
Transcend dental medication.
They say he had loco motives.
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.