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Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it…
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
I’m a bald man and I’m thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.