Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
Their jobs are taxing.
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
He threw in the towels.
Then it dawns on me
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
If both were up, they'd fall down.
The Salivation Army
and lowers it
Is down-right easy
What does smoking marijuana do?
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
A private tutor
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter