fresh off facebook
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Β Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked βHow fast do you think a hearse can go?β
Me: I donβt think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
Geology rocks …
but geography is where itβs at!!
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where thereβs a will, thereβs a weigh.
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. Iβm really struggling, so I ask Ving if heβd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. Iβm like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. Iβm like alright dude! So after school Iβm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. Iβm like whatβs the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that heβd disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally itβs our turn and Ving tells me heβs picked βLeeβ as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then itβs time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he canβt do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. βDAD!β Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, βDonβt stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!β
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, βIts pretty lit.β
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
The βAvengers: Endgameβ trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks βWhy is the last one so cheap?β
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"