Freudian Slip:
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen….
….nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen….still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts