frick this post gamers
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.