Friend posted this on Facebook…
for (i = 0…
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Crosspost from r/fuckyoukaren: The Karenheit Scale
Gotta love it
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Now that’s commitment
I’m all out of bubble gum
“The civil war wasn’t about slavery, it was about states rights!”
Funny and sad, and eerily accurate
“We want haircuts”
Only you can prevent forest fir— AAAH!
I want my money back
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
i kinda like this one
It do be like that
An interesting title
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Thanks for the existential crisis Samuel
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
L o w e f f o r t
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
Total authority and zero responsibility
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
When the milk has a date for Valentine’s Day, but I don’t.
Don’t know if this belongs here
Crosspost from r/dankmemes
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Tragedy with a silver lining.
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
Found this in some sourcecode for an extension I use
Dora is in danger!
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
Actual footage of Bernie “Force Choking” Biden
Headphones live in a society
A sense of ownership
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Me too Phil, me too.
Leading from below
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Not sure if this was posted before.
you know the difference?
Grumpy Old Man
How I spend my weekend
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
Thank you corona, very cool
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”