Friend posted this on Facebook…
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
Great!
https://ift.tt/2lZyVSN
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
