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What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Iβve often heard that βicyβ is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shellβ¦
I have a son whoβs on the spectrum. Itβs quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant heβd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. Heβd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesnβt want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, heβd sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15thΒ birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something Iβve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell β I donβt want to get too into the gross details but Iβm a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and donβt clean it. Iβm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. Iβm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god youβd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So itβs been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her itβs been incredibly promising so far. Heβs really starting to come out of his shell.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
Iβm about to start a religious movement.
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
Son: Iβm gay, Dad.
Dad: No, Iβm gay Dad. Dad #2: No, Iβm gay dad.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didnβt Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santaβs little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
Why canβt dinosaurs clap?
Cause theyβre dead
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."