Friends mom posted this on Facebook.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Ah yes, wine.
Consider the title the mematic watermark
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
The Duolingo update description gave me a good little chuckle
The orange makeover
Boolean joke I thought of at 2 am
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
Today’s kids and their durned rifles, buncha delinquents!
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
Thank you Visual Studio, very cool
I love my field.
Bladder is near the heart!
Republicans really struggle with the difference
Isn’t that communisme ?
The “silence” is deafening….
Developer with a job and without a job
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Just don’t buy clothes, simple
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
Well it’s not a big nose and big feet but it’s still boomer.
Mitt Romney breaks with GOP and votes to remove Trump from office.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
I’d still need a 2nd monitor.
«Do you know what your problem is as a man? You don’t understand illogic!»
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
O W N T H E L I B S
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
The great leveller
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
The dumb leading the dumb
The programmer paradox..
This guy id a gold mine
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
The things they don’t want you to know about the bible
…but this is not a perfect world
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
Just a socal experiment to see if it’s possible. (Democrats only)
It be that way sometimes
He was alone for too long
Am I A Joke To You?
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
Oh and also the immigrants
Come now, Private Eye, I thought you better than trite boomerism.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
During this outbreak, we must follow all directions from the Police
So don't stand so close to me
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Let’s bring kid’s toys into it