I always end up throwing them away anyways.
Those were the days
It's not the end of the world
now I only drink for evil
Fine. Suture self.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
But then it grew on me.
You don't know what you're missing
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
He walked into a bra…
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
The opposite of right
I mean, how low can you go?
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
It will be the last thing I do.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
I don’t think I can ever repay you
Officer: It was a moving violation
Because the trees can speak for themselves
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
… so they can beat the crowds!
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
Cutting edge tech
For hispanic attacks
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.