FrIeNdShIp 100
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
What did the elevator say to the stairs?
I don't know. I'll escalator.
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece