From a Boomer friend’s Facebook.
All the time
flakey piles of goodness
Found on FB, where else?
The legal way
A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible…
The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he could go and make his next copy using the original in the vault as reference material. Since they've just been making copies of a copy for centuries and given his dedication to the process and his work so far the abbot agrees and brother Gray descends into the vault where he is given access to the only existing and oldest copy of the bible they have. Days pass, none of the other monks are particularly concerned as brother Gray was known to be a perfectionist and was recognized among them as one of the best in his craft. After another week though they become anxious as nobody had really seen him since his descent into the vault, as such the abbot takes it upon himself to check up on him. As he nears the vault he hears a gutteral sobbing, relentless and distraught. The abbot pushes open the door to the vault to find brother Gray lying face down in a heap on the floor, pages of the bible scattered all around. He rushes to his side. "Brother, whatever is the matter? We've been so worried about you. What's wrong?". Brother Gray pushes himself upright, wipes away the tears from his eyes and grabs the abbot by the collar. "The word was 'Celebrate'"
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
T-shirt I found at a thrift store.
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
The next baby boom
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
Lowes for the win!
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
I can explain…
What did Obama ever do to stop this?
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
a b s o l u t e genius
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
This is very meta
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
haha very cool
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
My dad just sent this one
It’s not a fucking job title
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
DO YOU UNDERSTAND BROTHA?!
Ah, anti virus..
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
But there is no last stage :-p
I DID NOTHING WRONG!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
Good ol’ days
When Design fucks Usability
only thing holding me back
Something about a broken clock.
X Æ A-12’s first words
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
That’s a LOT of flour
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
for(int c = 0; c < arr.length; c++)
bUt i’M nOt usEd tO thAt stAndArd
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I might destroy this man’s career…
When you debate function/variable naming at work
Linux Out Of Context
It all started when he was kicked in the head by a horse
Just a thought
best feeling in the world
The Chive(ry) at it again.
How many variations of Haha kids don’t know books can there be?
Yo? Where’d my data go? You sure you sent it?