From a Pakistani Twitter account.
Women treat me like God.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
People think Iβm addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, βI can stop whenever I want.β
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE YβALL!
Iβm addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Why was Pavlovβs hair so soft?
He conditioned it
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody walk over you.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. Iβm a faux pa!
No text found
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
Thatβs how I roll
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
Give βem the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said βIs that a fretβ
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
My daughter FINALLY got an βAβ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!