A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.